


I'm Afraid I Must Ask You To Leave

by duchessofwraiths



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pet Store, F/M, M/M, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-06
Updated: 2013-06-06
Packaged: 2017-12-14 02:43:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/831795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/duchessofwraiths/pseuds/duchessofwraiths
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eridan and Feferi go to a pet shop to buy a cannibalistic fish.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Afraid I Must Ask You To Leave

**Author's Note:**

> Stupid as hell.

"Another pet store?" Feferi groaned.

"I need a fish."

"We eat fish, Eridan. Honestly, this makes no sense."

"I want a fish that also eats fish. We can all eat fish together. Like a family."

"Wait." Feferi stopped just as the door opened with a vexing jingle.

"This is a shared custody fish we're getting?"

"Well, yes. I suppose you could view it as such."

"So I ought to get a say in the fish we get."

"Fef!" Eridan pouted. "I really want a fish that eats other fish."

"A cannibal. You want to bring a cannibal into our apartment."

"Fef _eri_ -" he began to whine. Oh, fuck her with a fiddle, he was whining. 

"Just what does that symbolize?" Feferi flipped her hair back over her shoulder and glared up at him. 

"Symbolize?" Eridan repeated blankly, eyes drawn to the fish tanks in the back of the store.

Feferi walked to the back with him, composing her next sentence carefully. If she was too harsh, he would get offended, and he was infuriatingly sweet when he was offended, and he would try to rub her feet in public or something, and then they wouldn't end up having sex tonight, and he would cry in bed, and so she would have to be tactful. There was a store assistant cleaning out one of the tanks. He had a baby turtle on either shoulder, and was concentrating intently on balancing his 3D glasses on top of his head while it was at a downward angle. The guy was humming some ditty to himself, and Feferi recognized it from a Jewish festival she'd dragged Eridan to for the sake of culture last week. She wanted to discuss the festival with someone else who had obviously enjoyed it, but she had more important matters to attend to. Eridan was tapping on the glass of the lobster tank. 

"I just don't see why the fish needs to be a cannibalistic fish." Feferi pried his hands off the glass with a mild rebuke. It was like dealing with a child sometimes. 

"Fef, they're adorable. Adora _bubble_." Feferi smiled reluctantly at that. Encouraged, Eridan tapped the store assistant on the shoulder. 

No response. The guy adjusted one of the turtles.

"Hey." 

"Hey." Feferi echoed Eridan, a little annoyed. Who the hell was this guy to ignore her boyfriend?

"Alright. He has left us no choice. Formation Seventy-Three." Eridan whispered.

"Formation Seventy-Three hasn't been used in years!" Feferi hissed back, although her wide grin was offsetting the serious tone she was attempting. 

"You have to trust me on this one."

"I always trust you." Feferi kissed him briefly.

"One..."

"What." the guy said flatly, spinning around. Both turtles fell back into their tank. Feferi almost wanted to applaud. 

"We-we..." Eridan blinked several times instead of speaking.

"We wanted to get a fish." Feferi emphasized, shooting Eridan a glare. Eridan responded by mouthing gorgeous at her. She nodded, both amused and annoyed by his lack of speech. The guy was in his twenties, maybe a year older than she was. Tall and thin, he had very nice cheekbones and soft dark hair, and his eyes were honey colored. Feferi composed herself.

"Not just any fish." Eridan piped up. "A cannibal fish."

"Betta fish."

"Alpha fish, preferably. We are the top of the food chain." Eridan asserted, trying to make himself as tall as the employee and failing miserably. 

"It's the name of the fish."

"Do you have alpha fish that eat other fish?" Feferi asked.

"No."

"Where _are_ the betta fish?"

"No idea."

"You're not being very useful." Eridan complained.

"You're wearing a cape in public."

"Shut up about his cape." Feferi snapped, getting very irritated. "Let's go, Eridan."

"Agreed. We don't need his second-rate fish anyways."

"I hate your accent." the employee said. 

They flounced off. 

Just as they were exiting, Eridan hazarded a glance back and stopped straight in his tracks. "Oh no."

"What is it?"

"Uh-uh." Eridan was blocking the doorway. A woman with a poodle was attempting to enter, mumbling some excuse mes, but he wasn't acknowledging her existence. 

"Eridan, what are you looking at?"

"That...peasant-"

"We don't call real live people peasants, Eridan."

"He is staring at either your butt or my butt and if it is your butt, I am afraid we must go before I am obligated by pride and custom to knock his lights out."

Feferi backed right into a display of canned dog food. Cans fell everywhere. Eridan bent down to help her put them back up.

Feferi realized what he had said. "What do you mean, _if_ it is my butt? Of course it is my butt."

"Why would it be yours?"

"What makes you think that boy is staring at you?"

"Look at him."

Feferi did so. "He's giving me the eye."

"Face it, Fef. I'm gorgeous."

"You're gorgeous?!" Feferi straightened up. "What does that make me?"

"Perfection, of course." he said easily. "But this guy obviously doesn't go for dreams."

"Eridan, I maintain that he has memorized the contours of the lower back of this dress."

"Why are you wearing that dress in public, anyways? It's so lowcut."

"Are you now telling me what to _wear_?"

"It's cold outside! You've been hiding inside my cape every time we exit a store!"

"I only hide inside your cape so no one sees I am dating someone who wears a cape in public!"

Eridan's nostrils flared. "You did not insult the cape."

"Eridan, I am beyond done with the cape! It incites stares and comments from everyone we meet-including that guy!" She threw an arm in the direction of Tall Guy.

"So you admit he was staring at me."

Feferi drew in a long breath and screamed.

"Excuse me."

"Feferi, shut up!"

"Excuse me!"

"Feferi, shut the fuck up!"

Feferi paused to breathe, and her vision adjusted. The store assistant was in front of her, and Eridan looked thoroughly embarrassed.

"Yes?" she asked delicately.

"I'm afraid I must ask you to leave."

"Leave?"

"As in, please fuck off. You're scaring the animals." He had a lisp. Had they really just had a full-fledged fight over this guy?

"Who do you think you are?"

"Which of us were you checking out?" Eridan interjected. Feferi massaged her eyelids.

"Neither. Both. Get out before I call the manager."

"Fine! We're going. Come on, Fef."

"I want an apology."

"This guy doesn't even deserve to speak to you." Eridan pulled her out the door, and she relented.

"My throat hurts."

"I'll buy you a smoothie. Come on, sweets."

Back in the store, Sollux Captor decided it was time to quit this fucking job.


End file.
